Reflection

Ever had a day when so much made you stop and reflect?

Christmas music playing in the stores I shopped in today reminded of Christmas' past. Traditions and hopes and dreams of Christmas' to come.
The real meaning of Christmas and the grace we have been given.
Whether or not our kids understand that yet?
How much we have worked on not being selfish and still struggle with it.
How much I struggle with the materialism in this world and wish we could skip the Worldly Christmas as we had hoped to.
Looking forward to family time, family that is visiting...

Looking at my cousins pictures of his new baby girl on his face book, and sitting in the hospital with my two sister-in-laws reminiscing about our childbirth experiences made me think about how much our children have grown in such a short period of time.
It made me think of all that has happened in only 3 or 5 years.
It makes you wonder why things happen at the timing that it does...
Our little baby girl sleeping in my arms during the service, how much I love her and how much little things can annoy me and yet they wouldn't be the same without them. How much we love them and protect them. Are we raising them up to be Godly children of God?

God knows every day in our lives before one of them even occurs. He knits us together. He knows what we will go through and yet it is up to us to decide how much we will let Him into each and every situation life gives us. People wonder why things happen and yet we appreciate that God gave us free choice. Everything can be given to God for His work to be completed through us.

This whole month I have been struggling with the idea of journaling. Some times I wonder why people do it, and why it has come into so many of my conversations lately. Why can I not get over my fears of it. I think I have burned all of my past journals. Maybe this is like journaling...maybe my scrapbook is like a photo journal...
What good is journaling? Do I feel relief while I write? Does it really help me sort out my thoughts? It makes me think back at all my past journals. What would it be like to read them now?

The smells of yeast rising in my kitchen reminds me of my Nana, and the fact that she would make loaves of fresh bread. That she was the one that taught me how to make it. I am reminded of her, the happy moments and the sad ones. Her marriage and her relationship with God, her friends, her own family and my own mom and dad. Wondering how she is doing and does God speak to people with that late of a stage of Alzheimer's?...I believe He does, until we go to live with Him...and on and on I have thought!
I love that I am carrying on at least one of her skills. I love the fresh buns rising on the counter and remember her counters full of rolls, cinnamon buns, tea rings and more. A full days worth of a labour of love. I love that my husband is right beside me in this labour of love. That he remembers cooking and baking with his mom and wants to share these moments with me. That it is a team effort in this house!

Tonight at church we were asked to think about our own funerals...to imagine ourselves watching and being at our own funeral. It is often wondered what people will think of us after we have died. It's a morbid thought, and yet how we live each day is a reflection on ourselves. It's a reflection of how we love and live for our God...

What will my family think of my life? What will I be remembered for? Honestly, I don't want to think of it. I want to live my life for now. I want to lean on Him in all my worst situations. I want to learn from them. I want to be able to look back and see how much I have learned from life and grown. Sure, I will make mistakes along the way. I will look back and reflect, and see that I could have done things differently, but can't.

I want to be a prayer warrior and yet feel far from one. I want to use my gifts for God. I want to be an encourager. I want to be remembered as a friend people can count on. A lover and supporter of my husband. Someone my family could count on in times of need. I know I'm a people pleaser and as much as that has caused me pain, I hope that it has also been a blessing.

Today has been a day of reflection...there is so much to think about...not enough words to describe it all, not sure if journaling is my way of expressing it. So this has been my attempt...